Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
