I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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