Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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