life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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