You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
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I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.