Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets