I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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