when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
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first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
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She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"