epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍