im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
