are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
