Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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