Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
