I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
