my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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