I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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