you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
