my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
