my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
