You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
