you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
