I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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