i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
