Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My breasts were aching with rage.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
