can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
