I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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