Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
