The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
