I wish I could punch you in the face.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
