I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
