Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
