insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
