im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Terrible idea I love it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
