Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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