the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
