i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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