Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
