Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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