i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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