i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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