everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
