Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
