Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
