Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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