i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
