it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
