You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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