The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
