I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
