Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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