i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
