Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
