Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
