just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
