Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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