You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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