She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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