He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
