I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
