I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
