the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
