that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
