if only i could text you this smell
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
